For those of you who don’t know who Lordi are, they’re a Finnish Heavy Metal band from (you guessed it!) Finland. Now, normally, their songs are hardcore and loud and go on and on about killing things. Typical rap heavy metal stuff, I guess. But, as if to prove that heavy metal cannot be confined to one genre of music, despite being one genre of music, they’ve given us this little gem.
May I present to you their song, Blood Red Sandman, which just might be the most Moe~ song in the history of mankind.
“But Colonel Welsh Bonsley Junior the Third,” you may ask, “what’s so Moe~ about a video like that?” To which I have this to say.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO CALL ME COLONEL WELSH BONSLEY JUNIOR THE THIRD? WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT? DO YOU KNOW ME? HUH? HUH? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ACTING SO FAMILIAR WITH ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH?
That said, I shall explain just exactly why Blood Red Sandman is the most Moe~ of them all. It’s all in the lyrics, man, all in the lyrics.
First of all, let us examine the chorus of the song.
Once again there is pain,
I bring flames I bring cold
I’m the Blood Red Sandman coming home
On this unholy night I will make you my own
Blood Red Sandman coming home again
I’m coming home again!
Obviously, this song is a love ballade, one full of sadness and melancholy. The titular Blood Red Sandman hasn’t been home for a long time, for why else would he make such a big deal about coming home. He’s been travelling. Perhaps he’s been banished for a crime he did not commit. Perhaps he has been searching for that one true love of his. He’s been through a lot of crap, probably because he’s forced to bring flames and cold along with him, regardless of his good intent. Still can’t see the Moe~ of it all? Let’s try a different approach.
Imagine it in your head. A hurt, emotionally-crippled adorable little girl (like the one in that anime you’re watching). All she wants to do is find a person who can understand her, to love her. She’s cursed by the Gods – disaster follows her whereever she goes, and she can’t stop it. So people hate her, throw rocks at her and chase her away from their towns. Don’t you just want to hug her? Tell her everything’s gonna be all right?
Now, let’s move on to other parts of the song.
Can you hear how the children weep?
Chills of fear like a sawblade cutting deep…
The children that are weeping are a metaphor for the Blood Red Sandman’ s own sorrow. He’s suffered injustice. He’s suffered evil. He’s a kind-hearted soul, an innocent being, much like a child. And much like a lone child, he’s quite afraid. Why is the world so set against him? The fear he feels is almost physical, like “a sawblade cutting deep”. Still don’t get it? Then replace Blood Red Sandman with the aforementioned hurt, emotionally-crippled adorable little girl and read it again. Hell, technically, it doesn’t even have to be a little girl. It can be a hurt, emotionally-crippled adorable young lady. Still Moe~ regardless.
“But Colonel Welsh Bonsley Junior the Third,” you may ask, “what about the name? The name Blood Red Sandman doesn’t invoke in me a feeling of deep pity and compassion!”
WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME THAT, ASSWIPE?
But I digress. Let’s get back to the topic.
The name Blood Red Sandman is a representation of our misunderstood hero. They call him the Blood Red Sandman because they don’t understand him. They think he’s evil. They think he’s some destructive force of nature who spites them. But that’s not true, is it now? This just makes the Blood Red Sandman even MORE of a pitiful thing to be loved. Besides, there’s nothing wrong about being associated with blood, is there now? Even stuff that have blood on them can be Moe~ too! Take this picture below.
Is this not so Moe~ that you could die? Doesn’t all that red blood make her seem adorable and lovable? What do you mean, it makes her appear creepy? Fine, you jackasses, try this picture instead, then.
See? See? Those two pictures… they’re of the SAME FUCKING character. Now, the second picture is undeniably Moe~ is it not? You agree, right? Well, then, since the first picture features Remilia Scarlet as well, logic states that it’s JUST as Moe~ as the second. If you don’t understand something that simple, you’re a fucking moron.
Finally, we have the very first line of the song.
They called me the Leather Apron
The key words here are ‘leather’ and ‘apron’. Few words are as Moe~ as ‘leather’ and ‘apron’, if you must know. Leather is, of course, acknowledged as the world’s leading choice of material when it comes to creating sexy clothes (save nothing, but nudity is not the topic we’re discussing, so nudists can shut the fuck up) and making people who wear it feel uncomfortable and immoral. As for apron… well, NAKED APRON, AM I RIGHT? Now, imagine the Blood Red Sandman- you know what, forget you. You people won’t accept the Blood Red Sandman, so just replace every single instance of Blood Red Sandman with adorable and sad little girl and interpret it that way instead. Yeah, that’s right, imagine a cute and criminally underaged emotionally-starved little girl in a naked leather apron.
You bunch of sick, sick, SICK fucks.
Well, there you have it. If everything I’ve done up to this point to convince you that Blood Red Sandman is possibly the world’s greatest Moe~ song ever, then I honestly don’t know what will. If I have convinced you, however… well, then the world appears to be a brighter place, and the total unification of the world may not be far off.
Now, I invite you, the reader (cause, you know, I only have one) to tell me YOUR totally over-the-top Moe~ songs in your life.
May you find your own Blood Red Sandman, who’ll watch over you in the darkness of the night. Peace.
Ooh I like this.
i read this from halfway, half afraid of clicking the video to watch it.